Our Journey, With Our Adriel William <3

After waiting 4 years to get on the same page about expanding our family, On June 15,2017, we found out that we were expecting baby number 3! We were so excited, I was probably the most excited, though daddy, and big brother & sister were pretty over the moon with joy as well. Our due date was February 18/2018!! Everything was going great, I had no morning sickness, (weird! Cause it hit me instantly with the older 2). At 5.5 weeks, we had a scare, I had started bleeding..we went to emerge at the Brandon hospital, and waited for 5 hours to be seen. When we were finally seen, they did an ultrasound, you could really see much, cause bean was so little. They managed to get a heart rate of 111 beats per minute, and did quite a few blood tests. We had to go back the next day, for an internal ultrasound, where we found out our baby was doing great. 

My pregnancy, up until our 1st actual ultrasound at 21 weeks, was kind of a rocky road, everything scared me, because of our scare at the beginning. My ultrasound was on Friday,September 22,2017. Everything went great. Until I got a call, 30 minutes later, saying they wanted to see me back at their earliest  convenience, which was on Monday,September 25,2017 at 2pm. We worried about our baby the whole weekend long, “Is my baby oaky?” “Will my baby survive?”. So, Monday at 2pm rolled around, and I headed back to town..my gut sank as I waited, and as I was called into the doctors office, where he wasted no time and said “Your babies guts are on the outside of the body, but they are in a protective sac”. My gut sank again, as I asked the questions “Will my baby survive?’, What does this mean for my baby?”. He told me my baby was still doing good. That this wouldn't affect our baby, and that its more common than we think. 

He made an appointment for us to go to HSC in Winnipeg for an Assessment. I got into the car when I left the building and I cried, the whole 30 minute drive home, it felt like my world had shattered. I called Adam, and told him, and that night and for the next 2 months until our assessment, we researched what this could be. We stumbled upon gastroscheisis (where the intestines and whatever else can come out, comes out through a hole in the abdominal wall, and floats around in the uterus with the baby) and omphaloceles (where the intestines and whatever else can come out, comes out through the umbilical cord, which is the protective sac). So, we initially thought our baby had an omphalocele. Until November 14/2017,I was 26 weeks pregnant. Our 1st assessment. This is where we found out that our baby actually had gastroschesis, and all small intestine was out. But our little baby was such a fighter, and it didn't phase our little baby at all. As the ultrasound tech was getting ready to shut down the machine, our baby gave us a thumbs up. We found out at this appointment that our baby would need surgery shortly after birth,(which we knew already, from prior research). They also told us that there is a 5% chance we could lose our baby while I'm still pregnant and a 5% chance we could lose our baby during or after surgery. There was still a 90% survival rates we didn't worry much about it.The doctors had also mentioned that if our baby was head down by 30 weeks, we could do a natural labour. And our hospital stay in Winnipeg would likely be 3 to 4 weeks minimum.  Other than that our baby was perfect. Being pregnant got a lot easier after that, knowing our baby was doing so well, given the situation. Our baby started moving much more after this, which sure put my mind to ease. I kept seeing my OB for regular appointments, like any other pregnancy. 

On December 12/2017,I was 30 weeks pregnant now.. we had our second and last assessment. Our baby was still doing amazing. I was told that only the small intestine was still out. And our little bean passed all three of the in utero tests, Breathing, amniotic fluid, and I'm not sure what the 3rd was. We were so happy, and so at peace knowing our baby was doing so well, and that in 6 short weeks, we would be meeting our mystery child. We didn't find out the gender, as we wanted the surprise in the delivery room. We found out with both Kayden and Mavis..so boy or girl, we were ready for baby number 3. The same day as  our last assessment, we found out that on January 23/2018 we would be meeting the NICU team and the PEDS team, that would be doing surgery on our baby.

On January 3rd, I had another OB appointment, I had one every 2 weeks now. Things became more real every day. Our baby was still doing so well, heart rate was at 156 and strong. 
That night our baby just wouldn't stop moving, I'm not sure if mommy ate too much sugar or what. And though i was in so much pain from the excessive kicking, but I loved every minute of it. My next appointment was on January 16/2018…Which we unfortunately never made it too. 
On January Monday January 8th, I was 34 weeks 1 day. Our baby was still active and healthy. We went to bed that night, and you cant really pay attention to kicks per hour while your asleep. Woke up Tuesday morning, and I felt fine. Until, the day progressed..and I noticed that our baby hadn't moved all day. it was 530pm, when I called Adam and told him that our baby isn't moving, and hasn't moved today. He asked what I wanted to do,,and We made the decision to drive into town ,to the hospital (its an hour from our home). It was 630pm by now, we got to town at 730pm, with the two older kids in tow. We went up for a NST(Non stress test), and they couldn't pick anything up, then they took out the ultrasound machine..And said these 6 words that I will never ever forget “I think your baby is dead”. My world felt like it had just fallen to million pieces..Im laying on the bed, staring at my husband and two beautiful children, but I couldn't even cry, I was in shock, and part of me didn't believe him(the doctor). After they left the room, I hugged Adam, and then I cried. They told me to go home, and come back tomorrow morning (Wednesday the 10th) at 8am. We were on the way home, when I called my older sister and she was quite upset that they didn't keep me there to monitor me, she mentioned that we should call the hospital where we’d be delivering at. So after i hung up with her, Adam called Women's hospital in Winnipeg, where I was supposed to be delivering our sweet baby in just two short weeks. And they told him that they wanted us to come tonight. We got there at 1030pm, Tuesday night. Shortly after we arrived, my sister and her fiancé showed up. We waited about 4.5 hours for someone to check our baby, it was probably 230am by the time a doctor came in. My sister and her fiancé then too the older two for a little walk, while Adam and I found out for a second time, that our baby was gone. Again, I was crushed, and it felt like my world came crashing down all over again. It didn't seem real. I still had a little hope, somewhere..that maybe they were both wrong. How could our baby be gone?! Our baby was fine just 2 days ago! At 3am, Adams mom had gotten a ride to Winnipeg, by a family friend(both located just outside Brandon). They took the kids back home, and Adam and I stayed the night in the hospital. They were supposed to induce me, but since they didn't have enough staff and too many patients..they sent us home at 9am on weds morning. They weren't going to be able to induce for a minimum of 4 days. Which I was not interested in waiting that long. We ended up driving back to Brandon, after meeting my mom and youngest sister for coffee and a chat. We arrived back in Brandon, at the hospital at 330pm..where we met with our Pastor and his wife, and had another coffee and chat. Then went up stairs, to Labour and Delivery, to meet  with my OB, who was on call. To do another ultrasound..Where, for a third time in 2 days, we found out our baby was gone. They had planned to put me on a waiting list for an induction. Until, plans changed, and my OB,,came back in with the gel for induction. It was 430pm, Wednesday afternoon, when I was induced. We had to wait for the nurse to come in and do blood work, but before she had come in..Adam had asked if we wanted to find out what we were having. We decided we wanted to..he left the room and minutes later, was back..and says “Its a boy”. About 15 minutes later after Adam and I both broke down in tears, a nurse had come in and took a whole whack load of blood, for testing purposes. We were allowed to leave the hospital now, but had to be back by 10pm, for a check. So, we went to Wal-mart, to buy our baby boy an outfit for the hospital and and outfit to be buried in, we bought him a blanket and a seahorse(Just like his big brothers and sisters seahorse, that they got when they were born). I cried while shopping for him, knowing that we would never take him home. It is the absolute hardest thing I've had to do. We met with our Pastor again, before heading back to the hospital.  That night in the hospital, we fully decided on our son’s name, Adriel William Hobson(Adriel meaning, Follower of God). 
I couldn't sleep well, as there was many other women in labour, and so many other babies screaming and crying. And it hurt me so much, knowing that I would never get to hear our son cry when he was born. At about 130am, Wednesday morning, my contractions were getting stronger..so we decided to walk around the maternity ward…Which sucked, theres a NICU of babies, babies crying everywhere, and moms/dads and grandparents cuddling their Newborns. We walked for close to 1.5-2 hours. Until my contractions got really strong, and close together, thats when they put us in a delivery room. Where life became way too real. When I was about 5-6 cm dilated, they broke my water..and labour went full gear then. My plan was to go fully natural, no drugs. But the amount of pain I was in emotionally, I couldn’t. I decided to take the shot of morphine, which made me feel like absolute garbage. After about 30 minutes, I was  ready to birth our boy. It was the hardest thing in my life, that Ive ever done..Harder than shopping for him, seeing/ hearing other babies cry. This felt like the impossible! I was birthing my son, who I knew was never going to cry. I wanted to stop pushing so bad. About 15 minutes later, our son was here!  On January 11th,2018,at 645am our baby was born sleeping…Our beautiful Adriel William. Weighing 4lbs 6.8oz and was 19” long. As soon as he was born the did his hands and foot prints, and made a little keepsake box. He has mamas nose( All my babies do),and he has a head full of red hair, that goes down the back of his neck a short ways. After he was born, we noticed that his condition was a little worse than we had thought/were told. All of his large and small intestine was out, as well as his bladder, which they say compromised his kidneys. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck 2x, and was very tight. But he was perfect, he is still perfect. We snuggled, we gave kisses, we showed love to our sleeping Angel, and I wouldn't have done it any other way. We had lots of people come visit, and show their love and support for us..which meant a lot! We were able to keep our Adriel as long as we did, as the put a cradle in my room and put a “cuddle cot” in the cradle(a cuddle cot is essentially a cooling pad) We kept our son until Friday, January 12th at 12noon, when we gave him to the funeral director. I gave our son another kiss, and put him in the carseat, and buckled him in. I covered him up, and Adam grabbed the seat…and we walked through the hospital with our son. I felt like I couldn't breathe. It killed me inside, knowing that was the last time I’d ever get to hold my son. 
When we got home on Friday, Kayden(6), asked menthe second i walked in the door “where is he baby, mom?” and I broke down, and hugged him so tight. The first couple days after, it took both kids a little bit, to realize that their baby brother wasn't coming home.  They eventually realized that Adriel is up in heaven, and he's with us everyday, everywhere we go. 
The first time we went to the funeral home , was on Friday the 12th to figure out details and go over a few things, it was also the time that we were shown Adriel’s casket. It was white and pure like our sons soul, soft and fuzzy on the outside, with 4 shiny silver handles..2 on each side. The next time we went back was on Sunday the 14th, where we got the things that Adriel had used in the hospital. It was also the 1st time seeing our son since we gave him to the funeral director on Friday at noon. He was peacefully sleeping in that little white casket, he was wearing the blue and grey hat I knit for him, he was wearing his little white sleeper with Mickey mouse heads all over it, and was wrapped in a blue blanket with white clouds on it. On his right side, his seahorse lay with him, and on his chest I laid an blue angel with white wings, (the white actually matching the hat he wore in the hospital) with a letter ‘A’ on the angel, that stands for Adriel. He still looked so perfect, and looked so peaceful. We stayed for about an hour talking to God, and talking to our boy. We gave him our very last kisses, and said “ill see you again my boy”.  The funeral director had given Adam, Adriel and I all a matching angel pin as well, which is pinned to the left side of his blanket, above his heart. 
On January 15th, 2018, at 11am was Adriel’s funeral. We went to the Church, where we seen that little white casket, sitting directly in front of where we would be siting. We didn't celebrate is death that day, we celebrated his eternal life with God. We had a lunch at church, then after drove to the cemetery, which is 3 miles from our home. When we got to the cemetery, Adam took his casket out of the Funeral coach, and lay it on the boards, above his grave. On top of his casket, lay a beautiful bunch of white flowers, and 2 red roses that Adam and I had lay down on top of them. As our last piece of closure, we took a handful of dirt, and set it on top of those beautiful flowers, and that soft, white fuzzy casket. Then again, we said to our son “we’ll see you again soon, our boy” 

Does it make it the pain go away? No, and it doesn't hurt less either..even though I have a faith in God.. it still hurts me deeply, that I don't get to hold my son. I cried while writing this, so the pain is still there, and the pain will stay there. But I think over time, it will get easier to deal with. He's my boy, and he took a piece of my heart, that ill never get back. 

And I’ll never understand why it had to be our boy. Maybe it was the fact that there was too much pain or suffering with the surgery he would have underwent. Maybe there was something the doctors didn't see. We will never know. But we do know, that one day, we will meet our son again..and we will be a whole again..Until that day, I love you my son, and we will never stop thinking about you or who you would have been.